Brushing the Dust Off

Wow, I haven't used this thing in a while.  Going on three years it looks like.  Yikes.

Well, time to brush the dust off.  It's fitting, I think, because I need to brush the dust off of my life as well.  For too long it has just been sitting around collecting dust.  At one time it was active, vibrant, original.  Then something happened and everything came to a halt.

I became not-me.  

Or was I ever "me"?  Looking back I'm not sure I can ever identify a time when I was living 100% authentically.  I've always been afraid to put myself out there, afraid of what others might think.

My work environment has made that worse.  At one time I was at a job on the edge of society; it was exciting, taboo, rebellious.  In other words it was everything I wanted my life to be.  Now I work in a place that is practically claustrophobic by comparison.  It's not the worst place in the world, mind you.  In fact, I rather like it.  But I can't be myself there - not if I want to be successful and right now I need to be successful.  Not only my life but the lives of my family depend on it.

But "me" is starting to smolder like a volcano that has lain too long dormant.  It could explode any day.  Or month.  Or year, I suppose, for that matter - one never knows about volcanoes.  But it's brewing nevertheless and that is comforting in an odd sort of way.