This is the question that has haunted me my entire life. Every time I think I have the answer a new possibility presents itself within 24 hours. I end up going back and forth, never making any progress. Long-term planning and decision making become impossible.
I think the biggest problem is that I don't have a steady sense of self. Who am I? How do I even begin to answer that question? Even if I answer it I also come up with another question - is that who I want to be? Does it matter who I want to be? Can I change who I am if I decide I don't like who I am? Or are there things I can change about my personality and things I can't? Talk to ten different people and you'll get ten different answers. The same is true for books.
One thing that has remained true throughout my life is that I find myself in leadership positions. I'm not sure what drives me to these positions or why people even allow me to be in them. Most of the time I don't really see myself as a leader. I'm certainly not a dominant/authoritative person. People tend to like me though, to look up to me. I'm someone that (most) people can talk to. I like to build people up and recruit them to my causes. I suppose it's my drive to recruit others to help accomplish my goals that gets me into positions of leadership.
So what are my goals? And why do I have them? I've wanted to be a writer since I was very little. That is almost more of a dream than a goal though. I am starting to see a little success as a writer, however. I would like to be a writer full-time but do I really need to be to fulfill my dream of being a writer? Am I not a writer so long as I'm being published, even if I don't make enough to do it as a full-time career? I should be more patient with this one.
One scenario for discovering your long-term goals is to imagine yourself as a guest at your own funeral. How would the people there see you? How do you WANT them to see you? I've found this scenario hard to envision though. Actually, it's not hard to envision, it's just hard to see as worthwhile. After all, would most people not want to be known for the same things? Would this really lead me to my unique identity? I'm not sure.
Let's list some things anyway: I want to be known as a knowledgeable, intelligent person. This I don't generally have too much trouble with on a day-to-day basis. Given a little time most people discover that I have a large amount of knowledge about a large number of subjects. So much for that then.
I also want people to remember me as someone who helped them in some lasting way. Perhaps I gave them good advice or comforted them in some way. One day I'd like to have enough money to help certain charities but right now that day seems like a long way off. Charities I'm interested in right now are charities that help kids and mental health charities. For me these are the charities that would have the deepest and most widespread impact on society. Mental health seems particularly urgent because I suspect that almost every member of the human race has at least one mental health issue that is crippling him/her. It's very sad but gets very little attention. When it does get attention it's only because someone is paying out the nose.
Where am I at philosophically? I still find Objectivism to be the most effective philosophy in terms of living a good life. Every time I do not use Objectivist principles bad things happen. When I apply them correctly my life goes smoothly. The difficult thing, however, is that I don't always apply them correctly or understand them correctly. I think I'm getting the hang of it a bit more as I have more chances to test it against the real world though.
Philosophy, however, only hands me principles. It does not tell me who I am as an individual. The fact that I am so interested in philosophy, however, does tell me something about myself. Perhaps I should start with a list of things that I am deeply interested in and see what that tells me about myself.
